Ashamed, understanding and hurt
by Whatnoww
Summary: Clare has too much on her mind. She was recently raped over break and now has to come back to face everyone. When Eli catches her burning herself he knows somethings up. What will happen when it seems her world has crumbled into NOTHING! Darcy comes home.
1. Face It

**I DO NOT OWN DEGRASSI NOR ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS**

I walked into Degrassi, ashamed and worried. My hair was up, I wasn't wearing any make up, and I was in uniform. The new burns on my arm made me feel awful. 1 in six girls get raped and 2 out of 12 are from my family. I'm sixteen years old and I just went to stay at my grandmothers. I was looking forward to getting away from everything. But no one had realized that this was my escape. I wanted him dead… him and the guy who abused my sister. Hell, life was falling apart. I stopped and took of my necklace. I stuffed it into my backpack… Alli was waiting for me at the end of the hall… what would I tell her. Its better not to get her involved I decided. She saw me coming, but I didn't even stop, she was still crying over Drew, such simple problems… she doesn't know how easy she has it. She seemed offended, because she knew I noticed her… she stumbled after me.

"Um… Clare?" She said.

"Oh, hi." I answered.  
"Are you mad at me or something?" She asked.

"No, no, just… leave me alone okay?" I told her and hurried off. Adam's idea about burning yourself with a clip really worked out. I had them everywhere. My mom started noticing yesterday… I told her it was just a bad rash. I was walking when I saw him… Eli. I froze. What should I do? I turned the other way and Alli was facing me… had they talked? Was this planned? They started walking towards me, so I just put my head down and sat against the lockers.

"Hey Blue Eyes, bite anyone while you were gone?" he asked jokingly. Alli came and said,

"There's something wrong with her… is she talking to you?" I WAS RIGHT THERE! But whatever I didn't care.

"Well," Eli started 'Let's see… Clare?" I just lifted my head to look at both of them.

BRING

Good… class.

"Got to go." I told them and hurried from one class to another throughout the day. Once school was over I sat outside and started the burns on my leg. Eli came towards me.

"Hi" He said. "Are you gonna tell me what's up?" He asked. He grabbed me and carried me over his back, to his car.

"Are you frickin' kidding me?" I asked. He layed me in the backseat slammed the door and got into the front seat within seconds. He locked the door.

"What do you want?" I asked.

"Why won't you talk to me… or Alli?" He asked. The images blurred through my mind…

"You're a pretty one… it's o.k. I won't hurt you." He told me. He violated me, and those people they just watched…. And…

"Clare?" Eli asked. By that point I was tearing.

"I'm fine. It's just something that happened at my grandmothers." I told him.

"Is she o.k.?"

"Yeah, she's fine everyone's fine… this is just something that'll stick with me."

"Oh really?" I nodded. "So, Clare Edwards why in the hell were you burning yourself back there?" I was STUNNED!

"Uhh… I-I'm fine, just a little slip." I told him.

"A slip from what?" He asked.

'YOU DON'T NEED NOR WANT TO KNOW!" I told him and burst into tears. He came to the back seat and put his arms around me.

"Shhh… it's o.k." He said.  
"NO-THE HELL IT-IS-DEFFINATELY-NOT OK!" I screamed.

"Alright… why are you crying Blue Eyes." He kissed a tear off my cheek… and my heart started racing.

"I-I-I was…" I stopped, wandering if I could trust him with my secret.

"You won't tell anyone will you?" I asked him.

"You have my word." He said pulling my chin up. I leaned in to kiss him to show him some kind of passion… it was my choice… my decision. He pulled his arms around me and broke away from the kiss. I leaned my head on his chest and he pulled me close.

"Are you trying to distract me?" He asked.

"Eli… this isn't funny." I said finally pulling away.

"Would it be easier if I guessed?" He asked and I nodded.

"You're on drugs/drinking?" He asked.

"No." I answered.

"You want to break up…" He trailed off but sounded sad.

"No, Eli." I answered.

"You've become emo." He said.

"No."

"You… cheated on me?" He asked. I didn't know how to answer this. Yes? No? Maybe?

"I don't know." That REALLY confused him. He pulled my head to look in his eyes.

"Yes… or no?" He asked and I started to cry.

"Clare… its o.k. What happened?"

"I didn't mean to… I didn't want to… it wasn't my choice!" I finally stated. I buried my face n his chest. I looked up at him. The confusion in his eyes turned into sudden realization.

"Clare… does that mean… were you… did you have sex?" He asked me. I bobbed my head. Was he getting it? "Not by choice though… Clare, were you… raped?" He asked me. I took a long shaky breath.

"He said I was special, a pretty one and he wouldn't hurt me. I was walking home… or to my grandmother's after getting her some groceries and he… well he… just came up behind me. He had two other guys with him… who just stood there and watched." I took the clip out of my hair and matched it to a burn mark dedicated to him. Eli rolled up my sleeves and found all the burn marks… and the two on my leg. He pulled me into a hug.

"Are you going to break up with me?" I asked him. "Because I don't expect anything more… this is too much for you to deal with right now on top of school and everything." As I said the words acid leaked through my voice. He doesn't know how much I needed him right now… but I could never ask so much of him…. Don't hurt the ones you love… right?

"Clare… I could never. Ever. Break up with you. Have you told your parents yet? Or anyone? Are you okay?"

"No. Yes. No." I said.

"Who did you tell?' He asked

"You." I said.

"Eli?" I said softly.

"Yes Blue Eyes?" He said pushing my curls back. He held my face gently and stared into my eyes.

"I need to get away from all of this…" I told him.

"We can cut tomorrow." He told me. I smiled.  
"Eli… I-I love you." I told him. That took him by surprise. Oh, god what if he doesn't say it back?

"I love you, too." He said smiling, which was, indeed rare.

"You're not okay are you?" He asked. I pressed my lips tightly together to hold back a sob… I shook my head. His eyes were full of worry and it looked like it took a lot for him not to cry.  
…

Clare was… raped… I couldn't believe it. My innocent little Clare. I wanted to kill him… but Clare needed me right now. I was sitting at home thinking about her… should I call her? No. I needed to go over there. I was the only one that knew…. Wow. It was almost midnight but I was sure she'd still be up. I grabbed my keys, my Dad was out… of course, who knew what, or who he was doing. I got in my car and drove over to her house. I didn't want to use her front door… because of her parents. Her mom still wasn't back from her "Business trip" (yeah, right.) and her dad was probably passed out drunk. I stood outside the front door debating what to do. I held the doorknob and it twisted open. The living room was empty and I wasn't looking for any kind of trouble. I quickly made my way up stairs and into Claire's room. To my absolute amazement and worry she was sitting on her bed with headphones on drinking a bottle of beer. Her eyes were bloodshot and she looked positively crazy.

"Clare Marie Edwards… what the hell are you doing?" I asked her I went up to her pulled the bottle out of her hands and ripped the headphones away from her. Her angelic face was red and puffy… she had been crying. It melted my heart to see her this way. Just then the door creaked open.

"CLARE! I'M… What the hell? Who are you… and, oh my goodness. Clare, have you been DRINKING?" The girl… who couldn't be much older then me asked her.

"Darcy?" Clare asked a little dazed. But this girl, Darcy's eyes were on the bottle of beer.

…

"You're here? I mean home? When? Why?" I asked her.

"Well I really missed you guys and we finished building the school early. O.k. why are you drinking? And WHY is there a boy in your room?" She asked.

"Oh, yeah. Eli how'd you get in?" I asked him.

"You left the door unlocked… What is going on?" He asked. I was kind of stressed about the explanation so I reached for another sip… but Eli pulled it away.

"Oh, yeah, what? OH! Darcy, this is Eli. Eli, this is my sister Darcy." I said.

So Darcy began talking about me like I wasn't there. I was drinking… not oblivious to the world.

"What's going on with her? Is it Mom and Dad?" She asked Eli.

"Umm… partly. I think she just needed a break. I just got here and she was…. Well like this." He told her. I was SOOO glad he didn't tell her the truth… although that wouldn't be so bad. I got up and gave Darcy a hug.

"I'm SOO glad your home!" I exclaimed.

"Yeah, uh, me to. I'll give you two a moment alone." She told me, and left.

"Clare… I understand you're upset… and violated… but look around you! You're not CLARE!" He gestured to my scares and the bottle of beer. I blushed, but quickly realized something. I took my purity ring off and spun it around in my fingers. I put my necklace on again before I got home so my parents wouldn't be suspicious and I pulled that off too.

"What are you doing?" He asked. He sat down on the bed next to me and pulled me against his chest.

"Why should I believe in this anymore?" I asked him. "I'm not a virgin! I'm a dirty liar who's FOR SURE going to hell!" I yelled at him. I walked over to the window and dropped my ring. I lay the necklace on my nightstand. I ran to Eli and leaned closer to kiss him. I wrapped my arms around him. I started to unbutton his shirt but he pulled away.

"What's wrong?" I asked him.

"Clare, what are you doing?" He asked me.

"Well," I started. I kissed him on the mouth, then the cheek, the neck… "I already lost my virginity… so why wait?" I asked him.

"Clare, what happened wasn't your choice nor your fault. YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG!" He told me. I sat back. "Where's my Clare?" he asked… and stroked my cheek.

"DARCY!" I yelled, and before I knew it she was in here.

"Something wrong?" She asked. I looked at Eli my eyes pleaded with him to tell my sister.

"Darcy, please come in and shut the door." Eli explained.


	2. Decisions, Decisions

Darcy sat by the desk in my room and Eli didn't really know how to put this, so Darcy started to speak instead, which was good. This piece of information was vital, and made me completely change my mind about saying anything.

"Clare, I know how hard it must be for you with our situation between Mom and Dad. So while they are dealing with the divorce, I'm going to look after you." She told me. I shot Eli a look taking everything back. If she was going to be looking out for me, I didn't want her bringing everything that happened back to the… incident.

"Oh, well that's, good." I said.

"Since someone is now looking after you I expect the drinking to stop." She said seriously.

"Right, yeah, one time thing." I said totally forgetting the fact she even noticed. She nodded and after saying goodnight she left, telling Eli she doesn't expect him to be here much longer.

"THAT'S IT!" I exclaimed. "I can't take this, this house, this AREA, Degrassi, EVERYONE! I need to just go!" I screamed.  
"Shh.." Eli said, standing up. "Where do you want to go?" He asked me.

"Anywhere but here." I told him.

"Well, can you bear a day tomorrow?" He asked. "Once I find somewhere to go… we can take off." He told me. Good. My mind was numbed. Tomorrow was my last day being… alone in this world. Then, I could finally get away, and maybe, just maybe find a way to be happy. Happiness was a stranger to me.

…..

I woke up half expecting to go back to Montclaire High and spend the day with Julia and Jason. I knew that life had changed though, and for the past month or so I had thought for the better. But of course life just had to slap me in the face hurting the one person I truly, care about and will ever love. Black jeans, black tee, metal belt, blazer, fake ID and a credit card, Morty, blankets and a couple changes of clothes. If me and Clare were temporarily running away, at least one person needed to be prepared. I started to prepare… I texted Clare telling her I'd pick her up after school and we could go… of course I didn't tell her where ;)

…

Ok so I WAS going to school. Eli texted me and said he would pick me up afterwards. Okay Clare, just survive one day. I got dressed and packed a bag with a change of clothes and pajamas, then another change of clothes, cheap make-up and some saved up money I had. I stuffed it along with some books into my backpack and headed to catch the bus.

"Clare?" Darcy asked. "I can drive you today… it'll give us a chance to talk." She told me. She just got home… BE NORMAL! On a normal day I would say yes… but… NOO BUTS BE NORMAL! Wow. It's really unhealthy for me to listen to the voices inside my…

"Clare?" Darcy said again.

"Oh, yeah sure. That'd be great." I lied.


	3. Authors Note

AUTHORS NOTE:

DISCLAIMER I DO NOT OWN DEGRASSI… PRETTY PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS!


	4. Just one day

AUTHORS NOTE:

DISCLAIMER I DO NOT OWN DEGRASSI… PRETTY PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS!

…

"So… How was Kenya?" I asked Darcy awkwardly.  
"GREAT!" She exclaimed. We sat in silence the whole car ride. When we finally stopped in front of Degrassi, I rushed to get out of that car.

"WOW! What happened to Degrassi?" She asked me.

"It's kind of a long story… I think its up on the website of Degrassi's history." I told her.

"Well I'm going to figure it out once I get home. And Clare, be careful today… I know you're going through a-lot… but just…" I cut her off. I couldn't bear to listen to another second of this. I already wasn't careful already… and I suffered the consequences.

"Darcy, I've got to go." I took a long look at her knowing I wouldn't see her in a while. "Goodbye…" I told her.

"Bye, Clare, have a good day!" She told me. I was off into the building…. AKA hell.

…

So I pretty much had everything ready… School would be out in about two hours and I didn't have a good excuse for missing… so I sat back and watched TV, I couldn't get my mind of Clare… I wanted to kill him. As I thought about it I was filled with rage. I almost grabbed my Dad's vodka… but I didn't. I NEVER wanted to end up like him… a skrew up who's son absolutely and completely hated him… and visa versa… Instead I punched the wall. I had two hours to kill… so of course I go take a shower… Before you judge, let me remind you I might not shower until next week.

…

"Clare Edwards?" The teacher called. I was looking down at my desk with headphones in my ears, and I couldn't hear her.  
"Clare Edwards?" She called again. Someone tapped me on the shoulder and I looked behind me, taking the headphones off.

"Here." I replied.

"Clare, is everything okay? You seem a little out of it." IS EVERYTHING OKAY? NO!

"Everything's WONDERFUL!" I said sarcastically. She stared at me completely shocked.

"Clare, I will give you a detention if you keep speaking rudely towards me." She said. LIKE I CARED!

"Whatever." I answered. That didn't end well… she wrote me a slip. Yeah, like I was going! After class I bumped into K.C. oh, joy.

"Hi K.C." I said.

"Clare, lately you seem a little bit upset… are you still mad about our break up?" He asked me.

"Yeah, right. My world doesn't revolve around you. I have bigger things to worry about then you and Jenna." I almost gagged when I said her name.

"I also… think you should stop seeing that goth kid. He's not good for you, obviously because of your mood today." He told me.

"WHAT? Who are you to be telling me what to do KC? He's better for me then you ever were!" I said pushing past him to my locker. Next thing I knew Fitz was coming towards me.

"Hey girly… where's goth boy?" He said leaning in to me.

"Not here…" I said trying to push past him. He blocked me slamming his hand against the locker.

"You know I really enjoyed our last date… how about a sequel?" He asked grabbing my wrists and leaning in to kiss me. I pulled away.

"Leave me alone Fitz!" I yelled and before I knew it the cops were coming to my aid.

"Was he harassing you miss?" The guy asked me. Fitz was shaking his head as if to tell me to say no. I knew Fitz already had a warning and would get suspended for this.

"Yes, he was." I said before shuffling away. He tried to run after me but the cops grabbed him.

"Oh, you and goth boy with pay for this! Here me Edwards? PAY!" That felt good. The adrenaline rush and Fitz getting what he deserved… pure glory. I ran outside and found Eli's hearse in the familiar parking space.

"Miss me?" He teased.

"Definitely." I said, leaning in to kiss him.

….

When we parted… I was happy to see that when I smirked and said "WOW!" She blushed her sweet familiar blush. Something, I missed very much.

"Let's go." I told her.

"Where too?" She asked.

"Clare Edwards, do you not know me well enough, that you don't I would never… in a million years tell you?" She smiled at the sarcasm.

"Thank You." She said.

"Anything for you, Clare." She smiled.

"Do you want to play 20 questions?" He asked me.

"Love too." I told him.

"Well, let me just grab something here and we'll start." He pulled over to the drug store. When he parked immediately grabbed his arm. I could not believe who was staring me right in the face… and boy was I scared!

…

Authors note.

I love writing this! But I also love comments! Please review and make any suggestions… THANK YOU! I'll update soon… sooner if I get comments. :D


	5. Excuse Me?

DISCLAIMER- I DO NOT OWN DEGRASSI! THANK U FOR SOME COMMENTS… I LOVE THEM!

….

I hid my face in Eli's jacket.

"Get me out of here." I whispered to him. I started to sob into his blazer. Eli restarted the car and we continued to drive. I kept sobbing and gasped for air.

"Clare was that…?" I looked down.

"He watched. I can't help but see… him. Everywhere I go. But I KNOW that, that was one of them… the familiarity…." I trailed off as I sobbed. Eli kept one hand on the wheel and rubbed my back.

"It's o.k. he's gone. You don't have to worry, Blue Eyes." He told me. I nodded and wiped my tears. "20 questions?" I asked him.

"You're on." He smiled, a real Eli smile.

"I'll start." I told him.

"Do you have any siblings?" I asked.

"Well, probably. My dad is an ass and knocked up like 4 or 5 women who didn't bother with alimony, so yeah I guess." That took me by surprise.

"My turn." He lifted his eyebrows up and down and smirked. I groaned. "What's the one thing you'd never want me to know." I smiled at that.  
"Well, it's that I have two things I'd never want you to know… My turn." I told him.

"Ok, ok. No fair, let me rephrase my question. What is SOMETHING you'd never want me to know?" I groaned.

"Pass." I said.

"Ask me a different question." I told him.

"We're not playing with passes." He smirked.  
"FINE!" I gave up. "My boyfriend… before you. He-he cheated on me." I looked down, ashamed of it.

…..

I-I was shocked. Clare, my Clare has truly lived through hell.

"I'm so sorry." I said and patted her back.

"It's not your fault." She said. Typical Clare.

"Who was it?" I decided to ask.

"K.C. Gunthrie." She said. She wasn't even able to face me. She pulled her lips together… why didn't she want to tell me? Next question…  
"Same question to you." She said. Oh, no. NOT GOOD! Oh, well here goes nothing… and everything.

"Well I guess, my mom had me when she was 18. She died giving birth to me. She was the second women, that I know of, my dad ever got pregnant. Until I was seven months old I lived with a police officer whose job at the time was to track down my dad, and another kid's too. The other kid had better luck. His dad was just traveling… he had a job and money and a life. My dad was stuck with me. This is my "family's" fourteenth move. I convinced my dad to let me finish high school at Degrassi. He didn't mind. There's at least seven bars in the area." She put her hand on my shoulder.

"Eli, I'm so sorry. How could you keep this bottled up?" She asked me.

"It's just something… hard for me to share." I told her. "You're actually the first one to know." I was scared of what she would think… what if… I'm too skrewd up for her?

"It's o.k. I'm glad you told me. I love you, Eli, and if you ever need anything… I'm here." She told me. I smiled at that… how could I not? I kept on driving.

"Two words… MY TURN!" I told her grinning. She groaned.

"Again?" She asked. I just smirked.

"Okay, so question 2, are you team Edward or team Jacob?" I asked her… but I couldn't help it I had to chuckle.

"Edward." She answered with her arms crossed. I started laughing.

"Bite me." I said. I started hysterically laughing. She smiled.

….

"Okay, so, what's your favorite food?" I asked him.

"See, now it's a tie between nachos and anything with sugar in it." He teased.

"Haha, so hilarious." I told him.

"What's your favorite song?" He asked me. I looked down and blushed not really wanting to tell him.

"Uhh… The Sky is Over by Serj." I told him. He looked positively amazed.

"Really? Why?" He asked.

"That's two questions… my turn." I told him. We went on like this for at least two hours. I was glad he was taking me far away.

"Eli?" I asked.  
"Yes?" He answered.

"Can I borrow your phone. I want to text my parents not to look for me." He gave me his phone and I dialed the number so it would be from "private caller." I told them not to look for me and I would probably be back in a little while. I also added a note for Darcy, telling her how much I missed her but I needed to be alone right now… I didn't want to tell her I was with Eli.

I gave Eli his phone back and fell asleep leaning on the window. We were listening to Dead Hand, Eli's favorite band and my eyelids just couldn't take it.

….

She was asleep when we got there. She looked so peaceful… I just couldn't wake her up. I got out and locked the car. I ran into the drug store and asked the lady,

"Do you have any microwavable dinners?"

"Yes, isle 4 on the third shelf." I quickly thanked her and grabbed some of it. I don't know about Clare but I was starving and we'd been driving for about seven hours, so it was eleven o'clock at night, nothing was open in this area except the drug store. I grabbed the credit card out of my pocket and decided to pay with that.

"Your total is thirty one dollars and seventy seven cents." She told me.

"Alright, well, Thank You." I told her. She smiled at me. I got back in the car happy to see Clare sound asleep. She looked beautiful… like an angel. So peaceful and cute. I really loved her. I walked around to her side, and gently carried her inside the building. Her eyes fluttered open.

"We're here." I told her.

"Oh my gosh. Eli, where are we?" She asked sleepily.

…..

Hope you loved this nice, long chapter. PRETTY PLEASE LEAVE ME REVIEWS! They inspire me…. :D


	6. Time Can't Stay

Sorry I haven't updated in a REALLY long time… extremely busy and depressed by LACK OF REVIEWS! So… REVIEW PLZZ!

…..

Clare's Pov:

I couldn't stand it. The aching pain. My heart in my head and vise versa. I NEEDED it. I craved it. I lifted the razor.

No.

This means he will win. This means, he will be powerful… what if… what if he does win? What if I'm useless. What if, if Eli gives up on me? I scraped it across my wrist, slowly, carefully, enjoying the pain that I deserved.

Eli.

What will he think? I want to scream for him, I want him to love me. The blood flows, and my heart flutters, I an am alcoholic, and this razor is my beer.

I carefully step out of the bathroom, and watch Eli… asleep. I lift his arm and creep underneath.

"Mmm…" He mumbles.

"It's okay, just used the bathroom." I told him. He entwines our fingers.

"Clare?" He asks.

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

"Of course, why?" I wonder, nervous.

"You're shaking… hard." A tear burns my cheek, and it dares to fall on Eli's arm. He pulls me to him, tight. "You're okay." He holds me. I tear.

"Do you hate me?" I ask him.

"Of course not, why?"

"Because I'm a bad person." I sob.

"You're the furthest thing from that." I can almost feel him smirk as he says the words.

Alli's pov: (Had to put some Jalli in here… sorry)

I kissed him one last time.

"Backwoods… I'm so sorry." He said.

"Don't be." I wanted to be braver but I wasn't. How could I have been so stupid? What will my parent's say? "I have to go, Johnny."

"Alli I love you." He told me. I smiled, nodded, and opened the door to my house.

"Love you too." I closed the door. I sunk back against the wooden door, and saw Sav. He looked me in the eye, and I suppose he saw my tears.

"Alli? What's wrong?" He asked me.

"I-I… and Johnny… He…"

"What did he do to you?" Sav asked, alarm filling his voice.

"Nothing, it's what I did."

"It can't be that bad Alli."

"We went all the way around the bases."

Clare Pov:

"So tell me something about you… Tell me about your old boyfriends?" Eli asked, curious. I shrugged, not wanting to answer. "That bad?" He asked me.

"No, no, I could tell you, I mean it's no big secret. I had a boyfriend named Mark, in the 7th grade. That was the year after my depression recovery depression," I held my hand up "Don't ask. Anyway, Mark was… interesting. He hated life, but he acted so… I don't know, happy? He was a jerk, and acted like he didn't care, and was always goofing off. But I knew he was trying… hard. But, he wasn't succeeding, his parents thought he was stupid. He just gave up. I used to melt when I sat next to him, and saw the shops during the holiday season, they brought back… memories… good ones, and I couldn't help but feel sad, that reliving them was impossible. We realized our relationship was just… to help each other get through, but we were always friends, he never got better though. I call him sometimes. Then… there's KC and you know about him." I told Eli… I was sobbing. I didn't know why I would tell him all of this.

"Shhh…" He soothed me.

"What about you? I asked, suddenly curious.

…

Reviews? I think sooo…. PLEASEEEEE! This is dedicated to Teenkid100… my most resent review… not on this story… but it still meant a-lot. REVIEW PLEASE!


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